I miss the old me! The pre-motherhood me. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE my kids with my entire being and I adore my family and my life now. But sometimes I remember what my life used to be like three years ago and honestly, I grieve for it sometimes. There are things that you give up when you become a mom, some of it you understand and know what you are in for, some of it you over look and never even consider the ramifications of post-kids.
The one that used to take my dog for an hour walk and do a half hour of yoga, each and every day. The one that didn’t have a post-baby tummy and stretch marks everywhere. I’m not going to even touch on the size I used to be pre-baby, I know it was worth it, but I truly miss what size I used to be, I worked hard to get there then two pregnacy’s messed it all up.
I have been nursing for almost three years now. All my shirts and pj’s have to have boob access for easy nursing, I can never be away from my kids for long as they need me for milk (neither ever took a bottle). I have kids pawing at my boobs all day long and regardless of where I am or who I am with, my son will yank down my shirt and bra to get access to his milk. Now always full of milk, scratch marks (baby nails really are razers), stretch marks and usually covered in snot (since baby seems to think its a kleenex), they have not been “my” boobs for a long time, I shudder to think of what they will look like once my son is done with them! But I am sure my husband will appreciate not having to share them anymore……..
Seriously, something you take for granted. Because my son nurses I can never be gone long enough at night for a movie or anything because he will wake and freak if his milk isn’t available and mommy isn’t there to snuggle him back to sleep. Let’s say he is finally asleep, I am just too darned exhausted to go out! And frankly on my average three to four hours sleep a night, I cannot drive after dark as I am just not safe behind the wheel of a car. No shopping, no errands, no movie, no coffee with friends, one day I will be able to see the world after dark again, for now unless I can see it out my window or on TV it’s a foreign concept.
Time to relax, time to sleep, time to myself, time to read, time to craft, time to shower. Waking up one morning and thinking “what do I want to do today” and having the time to do whatever I want. I miss that.
I guess linked with time, but I really miss cooking. I was such an adventurous cook, I would experiment with a minimum of three new recipes a week and try to make elaborate dinners for my husband and friends. Now, I am lucky if I even get dinner on the table let alone make it from scratch, forget using a new recipe! I miss going through cookbooks and trying to find the perfect recipe to surprise my husband and make for him. We used to do wonton Saturdays, I miss wontons!
It was so easy pre-kids to say, hmmmm lets go out for lunch in half an hour, and do it. Now we have to pre-plan, make sure baby has his nap on time, toddler is not too exhausted that she will have a tired tantrum, but also a little physically tired so she sits still, then thread the needle between their nap times ensuring the biggest chunk of them behaving and not tired is spent at the restaurant. Have to run errands? Get groceries? Visit a friend? Have a play date? All has to be pre-planned and worked into the schedule for the day to ensure no tantrums, naps or meals ruin it. No more leaving the house whenever you want, you are tied down by a nap schedule, eating schedule, and potential tantrums and teething to try to work around.
Particularly kayaking – This one is personal. I LOVED (notice past-tense) to kayak, I started with my dad when I was young and would go as often as possible, spending a few weekends a summer (usually every long weekend) up at the river kayaking with my dad and friends. Now, I haven’t been since early-pregnancy with Bee (as in 3 weeks). I miss it so much. It hurts sometimes to see other people out running rivers and waterfalls while I am stuck at home longing for my boat and a class III-IV river. Again, time makes it impossible, I need a weekend alone, that’s not going to happen, like ever! I will paddle again one day, and when I do I bet everyone will see my smile from a mile away as I am reunited with my beloved boat and some rapids!
This one may seem weird, but it’s true. I miss my husband’s undivided attention, where we could sit and have a conversation start to finish together without having to mediate a dispute, breastfeed, pick up and sway with a cranky child, or get interrupted a million times so the other person doesn’t even remember there WAS a conversation going on. I miss going out on dates (or rather having the energy to go out on dates), doing fun things together, and having the time and energy to focus on each other and do something together we really enjoy. I really miss him some days even though he hasn’t gone anywhere.
I used to have coffee with a good friend of mine every two weeks. Now we are lucky to see each other every four to six months! When I do see my friends, conversations to catch up on each others lives are put on the back burner as we watch children and get interrupted 1000 times, frequently at the end of the visit, I don’t feel like I got the chance to talk to them at all and still don’t know what is new in their life and how they are doing.
I’m not trying to be a downer, but sometimes I just really miss my old life and parts of it that I used to be able to do. I know as my kids grow up I will get more time and energy back to try to devote to myself again. Maybe in a few years I will get the old me back a little bit. As I said above, I LOVE my life and my children, but that doesn’t mean that I cannot miss the old me too sometimes.
What do you miss about the old you since becoming a parent? Please comment below!